Heartbeats in Heaven

by Kat Clark

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” –Isaiah 55:9

The five words that came out of the doctor’s mouth changed everything: “I’m sorry. There’s no heartbeat.” I couldn’t believe I was here again in the same ultrasound room where I’d received the same news just four months prior. This was supposed to be my ‘rainbow baby.’ I was one week away from the “safe” mark, as if there is such a thing. It was my third miscarriage, and although I knew I was fortunate to have two children already, I wondered why this was happening again.

During the following weeks and months, I wrestled with this one word: Why? Was it something I had done wrong? The doctor assured me not, but could I be sure? Babies were born every day to mothers who abandoned them, abused them, didn’t want them. Why would God let this happen knowing I’d love and care for this baby as I did my two living sons? My grief vacillated from anger to guilt to confusion and back to anger.

One morning I was sitting in Bible study, half-listening to the pastor when something he said made me sit up straight and focus. He mentioned that his pregnant daughter had called him and said, “Daddy, I lost the baby.” She had asked him the same question I myself was asking: Why? His answer was that on this side of Heaven we can’t always know why, but we can always trust in a sovereign God and believe that His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts. We will have the wisdom to understand all things once we reach our eternal home.

While this answer may be dissatisfying to some, as I heard God speaking to me through the pastor, I knew what I had to do to heal. I had to let go of the why and trust God. This gave me a lot of peace because I don’t have to know why. I have a God whose ways are higher than my ways, who can understand things that I cannot. The why is not for me to know now. Letting go of the why allowed me to heal.

I like to think that perhaps God needed those children to be born directly into Heaven to live with Him; never knowing the pain, sin, and disappointment of this world. I like to think He chose me to carry them for a short time until it was time for them to go home. I like to think of it as an honor. I know I will hold them when I am in that place of total understanding, wisdom, peace, and eternal life with God.

Father God, we know Your ways are higher than our ways and Your thoughts are higher than our thoughts. To have peace in this life we must let go of the whys, but this can be difficult to do. Please help us to let go of the whys and make peace with the unknowns, knowing that we will have perfect wisdom in eternal life. Thank You for guiding our ways. In Your mighty name, Amen.